It has been a season of quiet for me, in writing and in real life. Other than work with my dear clients and experimenting with watercolors again, life is purposely quiet. Oh, and of course I’ve continued work-related activities to expand my financial horizons. An orgasmic goddess must eat after all. And I’m burning to travel which means the coffers must increase.
My soul needs this sabbatical of spacious personal awareness. My soul is adjusting, healing, transmuting and becoming more in alignment with my entire being. Sabbaticals are full of restorative magic.
Whilst pondering many things, I’ve wondered how to express my submissive self. My inner core increases in strength and I’ve wondered if I were actually a sub anymore? Or maybe that I didn’t ‘need’ it anymore? But that doesn’t feel right. I still crave the delicious allure of a Dominant man and the safe harbor offered my submissive heart. I love serving, pleasing, and bringing pleasure to a Dom. I love watching his Dominance flourish and expand his heart, mind, soul and entire being.
But I’m growing in STRENGTH and VOICE and sheer FORCE of NATURE and CREATIVE JUICINESS. Thus my doubts, ponderings upon whether or not I’d entered the zone of ‘too much’ for any Dominant man to want to engage with me.
My ponderings led me back to Anais Nin. Ah, the soul-soothing words of a fellow Dominance-desiring woman. How could I doubt my true nature?
I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.